Since I haven't been on here in a while I figure why not update some stuff and submit some stuff. But since the page is being crappy right now I'll just update how I've been. I don't really know why anyways no one really reads these.

Unfortunately I guess I've gotten worse then better. I've started cutting again something my friends are either oblivious of or are not caring of. I had a huge relapse of it last night and there are a couple of reasons actually only about 1 or 2 people actually know, those two people being Aubrey and Timmy and even THEY don't know the full story.

All I've ever really wanted was love. Someone who was there for me. just me. Sure I've got the best friends in the world, but all except one seem to be to preoccupied with their relationships to even listen to me, much less act like they care. I love my friends. I'm there and like to listen to their problems and they come to me because they say I help, (which I won't deny) but seriously they have no clue how much they talk about how happy or sad they are when they're in a relationship. But really they have no clue how lucky they are. I'm ready to just throw away love and all my other emotions completly. I'm tired of feeling this way. This is worse then depression because I can actually feel the sadness and loneliness in my heart. People basically just use me. I've been used not once but TWICE in the past 2 or 3 weeks for their own pleasure knowing how vulnerable I am. I have no clue why I feel this way or why I go along with any of it in the first place. And everyone thinks OMG it's a new relationship when I actually have the courage to tell them. But it's NOT love it's LUST. They don't get it. I feel pathetic. Everyone has a relationship and everyone's all happy..and then there's me. It's not rape. I was perfectly aware of what I was doing and so was the other person, but it kinda feels that way. I just don't feel the way I used to. I just want someone special. I've been just hiding behind my smiles again. But yeah basically I'm gonna drop out of drama because the two people that used me are in that class and won't even talk or look at me anymore. I'm just tired of all the drama. I take everybody's in and do my best to help them and I get nothing but them screaming at me nonstop about me being honest with my feelings. So I'm simply not going to show them anymore. I'll hide behind smiles again. I hate love. I hate them for using me. and most of all I hate me.

On an even worse note I now have been diagnosed with an eating disorder called "Binge Eating Disorder" where I just eat nonstop now. Even tough I'm sick to my stomach most of the time I eat. And I eat too much on that. It's getting serious and apparently I'm one step from total bulimia. I'm literally about to just drop everything and go check myself in somewhere. My mom has started to notice too how much I've been eating and then how little I eat and now I have to take 12 weeks of medication in only 4. Plus I have acid reflex disease because of stress now so my stomach is on overload. My friends are all getting angry because I'm being distant. Even the teachers have been noticing. I don't talk as much and I'm so tired and fall asleep in nearly every class for the whole time. My friends were ticked but when I pointed this out and how it was a symptom of my eating disorder they all simmered down and decided to act like nothing had ever happened. Whatever it's good for now.

I miss California. I miss my old friends. Don't get me wrong alot of the people I've meant here are awesome, but there it was alot funner. I feel isolated and trapped here and I'm getting nowhere. Every step i take feels more and more hopeless. I'm trying to stay strong but it's not working. And so I guess I'm just gonna give up.