Today's the first day I've actually felt okay, for a long time. Kind of peaceful auctually. So peaceful I've been listening to Pocketful of Sunshine by Nastasha Bedingfield for the past hour and it's actually making me kind of happy. God I love her. I've been writing my story which alot of you don't know about. I'm thinking about posting it on here maybe soon. But for now it's coming along greatly, it's called the Diary of A Gay Teenager. Apparently Aubbs said it was the bible, and alot of other people want more. i was thinking of making it into a youtube series this fall. Anyone interested, (locally that is). Anyways I feel happy and musical so yeah...

I think I'm finally recovering from the past year and a half of manic depression, hopes it last.

The truth is you don't care about me.
The truth is I'm not what you want to see.
The truth is I'm not the one you care for.
The truth is you just don't care anymore.

These words have never related to me more than they do right now.
I always had thought people cared about me.
Even through the worst of times.
But the truth is they don't.

There are 3 people.
They know who they are.
And they aren't the reason I don't give up now.
They see through my smiles. They see threw my tears.
They see me.
Someone who feels emotions. Someone who doesn't hide.
They see the person I always have wanted to be.
Micelela, Aubbs, and Catlyin.
The truth is every else just doesn't care.

Aubbs barley does anymore.
So I've just stopped telling her things completly.
While I can hear an earful about her new relationship,
and mildly smile and reply, "that's great"
She says if it annoys her just tell her,
but she'll keep it up anyway so why waste breathe?

Micelela is truly the only girl I'd ever go straight for.
I love her.
She loves me.
So what's the problem.?
I don't want to hurt her.
I know what I am.
She knows what she is.
She knows exactly what she's getting herself into.
Problem is she won't stop.
And I won't stop her.
God she confuses me.

Catlyin.
Honestly she be my best friend
and the only one who actually ask how I am
and cares. Her voice actually has some deeper
basis than just shallowing saying
"Oh yeah, it'll be okay, it'll be fine, blah blah blah
more random general optimistic comments that have no basis"

Other than them, I really don't have any reason not to.
The person I love the most hates me
and won't even talk to me.
My "friends" are not even noticing I exist anymore.
And it's not like they care either.

Of course everyone still whines about there problems
I listen I help
but the truth is they don't so I've basically just stopped
Which has ticked everyone off
And the truth is
it ticks them moreso.

I've been trying to keep the peace
act like everything's fine
make everything fine
and now that everything's fine in a general point
They don't need me anymore.
So their voices are hollow.

I'm sick of everyone and everything right now
I'm sick of people's happiness in light of certain
depressive situations. Everyone being immature
about so many things. God will everyone just even
begin the grow up.

Blah blah blah, everyone tells me to look on the bright side
trouble is there's no reasonable bright side to the screwed up
mess I've gotten myself into now

I honestly don't think anyone really care
In fact I think I know that
Maybe Timmy and Aubbs
but they can't care because they don't know the whole story

There are some things I just can't tell anyone
And they hurt the deepest
No one realizes how I feel anymore
partly because I guess I've just stopped feeling

I don't cry
I don't cut
I don't do anything
Like a nobody

I can't believe that bastard
cheated on me again
wasn't sorry
caused me to do what I did
screwed me all over again
screwed my life up

There's something wrong
Apparently 1/2 of the people hate me
the other half are either scared or ignorant
People don't get it
I know what's wrong so people can stop pointing it out

People need to back off before
it's the wrong day for them
that day is coming soon
and it won't end well for them

Everyone's like you've gotta talk to someone about it
you've got to tell
I don't want to tell
People need to shutup its none of their business

People never bother to tell me what's wrong
I can't believe I'm back at this point right now
I'm not the person everyone thinks I am
and people just don't get it
so they'll never know me

People just want me to walk away
truth is I'm as far away as possible at this point
I don't care if people hate me anymore
I'm so used to it it's a normal thing

I'm about to do something that's going to make alot of people
hate me
I know it
Don't try to stop me

I wish that people could get it's none of their business
I'm tired of bullying what's wrong out of people
I sick of people bitching me out and then not hearing me out
Sick of people using and abusing me
I don't know if I can do it anymore

Since I haven't been on here in a while I figure why not update some stuff and submit some stuff. But since the page is being crappy right now I'll just update how I've been. I don't really know why anyways no one really reads these.

Unfortunately I guess I've gotten worse then better. I've started cutting again something my friends are either oblivious of or are not caring of. I had a huge relapse of it last night and there are a couple of reasons actually only about 1 or 2 people actually know, those two people being Aubrey and Timmy and even THEY don't know the full story.

All I've ever really wanted was love. Someone who was there for me. just me. Sure I've got the best friends in the world, but all except one seem to be to preoccupied with their relationships to even listen to me, much less act like they care. I love my friends. I'm there and like to listen to their problems and they come to me because they say I help, (which I won't deny) but seriously they have no clue how much they talk about how happy or sad they are when they're in a relationship. But really they have no clue how lucky they are. I'm ready to just throw away love and all my other emotions completly. I'm tired of feeling this way. This is worse then depression because I can actually feel the sadness and loneliness in my heart. People basically just use me. I've been used not once but TWICE in the past 2 or 3 weeks for their own pleasure knowing how vulnerable I am. I have no clue why I feel this way or why I go along with any of it in the first place. And everyone thinks OMG it's a new relationship when I actually have the courage to tell them. But it's NOT love it's LUST. They don't get it. I feel pathetic. Everyone has a relationship and everyone's all happy..and then there's me. It's not rape. I was perfectly aware of what I was doing and so was the other person, but it kinda feels that way. I just don't feel the way I used to. I just want someone special. I've been just hiding behind my smiles again. But yeah basically I'm gonna drop out of drama because the two people that used me are in that class and won't even talk or look at me anymore. I'm just tired of all the drama. I take everybody's in and do my best to help them and I get nothing but them screaming at me nonstop about me being honest with my feelings. So I'm simply not going to show them anymore. I'll hide behind smiles again. I hate love. I hate them for using me. and most of all I hate me.

On an even worse note I now have been diagnosed with an eating disorder called "Binge Eating Disorder" where I just eat nonstop now. Even tough I'm sick to my stomach most of the time I eat. And I eat too much on that. It's getting serious and apparently I'm one step from total bulimia. I'm literally about to just drop everything and go check myself in somewhere. My mom has started to notice too how much I've been eating and then how little I eat and now I have to take 12 weeks of medication in only 4. Plus I have acid reflex disease because of stress now so my stomach is on overload. My friends are all getting angry because I'm being distant. Even the teachers have been noticing. I don't talk as much and I'm so tired and fall asleep in nearly every class for the whole time. My friends were ticked but when I pointed this out and how it was a symptom of my eating disorder they all simmered down and decided to act like nothing had ever happened. Whatever it's good for now.

I miss California. I miss my old friends. Don't get me wrong alot of the people I've meant here are awesome, but there it was alot funner. I feel isolated and trapped here and I'm getting nowhere. Every step i take feels more and more hopeless. I'm trying to stay strong but it's not working. And so I guess I'm just gonna give up.

So anyways, I basically failed Algebra I
so I can't retake it, unless I take two Math courses at once...
This is gonna sucks, once my mom sees, really I don't
even know what class I actually did pass this trimester...
MMm..
Biology (Probably failed)
Algebra (Failed big time)
English (May have a chance of passing)
Speech (Maybe I passed...)
Computer Apps, (I think I got by)

Either way... I'm gonna have to really
start focusing next trimester....
if I'm even still at my school
and not transferred over to Charter..
or some boarding school in Canada
(which my mom said she's ship me off
to if I failed this trimester...)

This Shwucks.....